Guilt,
Shame, Regret…and Grace Part
Three
Bob Rakestraw
“The Benediction Project”
(This is the third in a series on guilt, shame, regret and
grace. The two previous postings considered guilt and shame.)
I think it is safe to say that all of us have done some
things we now regret doing. We wish we had never done them. Also, we have said
some things that we regret saying. Furthermore, we regret not doing certain
things and not saying certain things that we should have. As with guilt and
shame, regret can cause great harm in our lives unless we learn to understand
it and deal with it properly.
The word regret can be either a noun (“Does the prisoner
show any regret”?) or a verb (“I regret that I said that.”). As a noun it has
the idea of sorrow, remorse, or a troubled feeling over what has happened,
especially if we were responsible. As a verb it means to feel sorry or
remorseful over something, especially one’s own words or actions. Whatever it
is one regrets, it is usually spoken of with negativity or disappointment: an
angry outburst, cheating on one’s taxes, not making an important phone call, or
even regret that we could not stay longer nor attend a friend’s wedding.
The Bible seldom uses the word regret. It is not found at all in the King James Version and occurs only four times in the New International Version. Second Corinthians 7:8-10 contains the fullest discussion of our topic, and deserves our consideration.
The apostle Paul had written a previous letter to the
believers at Corinth, one that had caused them sorrow. (This was probably not
the epistle of 1 Corinthians.) He wrote, “Even if I caused you sorrow by my
letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt
you, but only for a little while—yet now I am happy, not because you were made
sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful
as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings
repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (NIV 2011, italics
added).
Paul writes that it is possible for us to regret, at the
moment, the necessity of having to do something (because it will hurt someone
for a while), but not regret the action itself once we see the good results
from the action. Paul also writes of two
kinds of sorrow and commends the Corinthians for having the first: “Godly
sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but
worldly sorrow brings death.”
This last verse strikes at the heart of our topic: there is
a good, beneficial, godly form of sorrow (probably the key element of regret)
and a bad, destructive, worldly form of sorrow. Worldly sorrow is not deadly
because sorrow is a wrong thing in itself; it is deadly because it is so
inwardly focused that it does not look to God in repentance and hope. Worldly
sorrow, entwined with worldly regret, led Judas to hang himself. He was filled
with remorse, not repentance, and he died in his sin (Matthew 27:3-5).
It is essential to realize that godly sorrow may have (and
sometimes should have) a strong element of regret in it. Paul said that godly
sorrow “leaves no regret,” not that
it “involves no regret.” He had just
written that he did regret having to
write the letter—he felt sorrowful that he would cause sorrow—but it was sorrow
that, in the end, “leaves no regret.” One admonition from this line of thought
is that when we believe we should offer constructive criticism, we should not
let the sorrow and regret of the moment keep us from doing the right thing. If
we do hold back, we may experience more regret—long lasting regret with sad
consequences for others and ourselves—than we would by offering the correction
that was needed.
(In our next posting we will consider this matter of regret
further.)
