Old Year, New Year and Answered Prayer

In the late summer and fall of 2007, God used a number of factors to give me a level of stability in my overall well-being that continues to make life easier and more restful and, I trust, more glorifying to Jesus Christ.

Here is a list of ten items from the past six months—factors I believe God has orchestrated together (and is still doing so) to improve my quality of life. Many of you have been so faithful in praying for me that I feel it is necessary to report to you some answers to your prayers. Some of these items are specific, tangible details while others are in the realm of the spirit. Together they constitute a mosaic for good.

1. I was enrolled in hospice care from April 5 to November 30, and received primarily two things from this: some helpful medications and a sense of freedom from (what I saw as) an endless round of tests, procedures, doctor visits, and possible approaches to my health problems. Even though I am no longer listed in hospice, because of the level of stability I have attained (a marvelous answer to prayer in itself!), the time in hospice was the right measure at just the right time. It set me free from the medical procedures and appointments and gave me the inner peace and rest I needed.

2. After nine months of a “mystery illness” (probably a combination of a parasite and the stress generated by my condition) that put Judy in the hospital in May with “failure to thrive,” she has been recovering steadily.

3. Our church graciously allowed Judy the summer off to be home with me and to decrease her work schedule from five days a week to two-and-a-half in the fall.

4. Our computer suffered from “failure to thrive,” and we bought a new one.

5. A friend helped me start a blog on May 31st. “The Benediction Project” has been one way I have attempted to share the mercies of God with others. Thank you for checking in regularly.

6. I started a small book (100 pages) on prayer with a ministry colleague, Jane Spriggs, and we have the book nearly finished. It will be published in Manila for poor pastors and Christian workers in a number of developing nations.

7. I was able to buy a pair of badly-needed new eyeglasses.

8. In July, Judy and I celebrated forty years of marriage with an open-house at our church. In view of our health issues, this was an especially meaningful occasion.

9. The psalmist says, “Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him” (Psalm 37:7). I have learned in a new way—far more experientially than cognitively—the meaning of this scripture. For me, the inner rest of soul, which includes my acceptance of physical limitations and the accompanying lack of “productivity,” is definitely a gift of God, but one which I need to continually receive, by daily acts of the will. I must also acknowledge that specific medications are a part of the total picture of inner peace, as are naps several times a day. I am not able to determine how great a part each of these plays in my condition, or how physical, spiritual, emotional, and social factors intertwine. I am simply very, very grateful.

10. This last factor needs a whole article of its own, but I will try to summarize it as briefly as possible, in a way that might be helpful to you in your personal experience of life. Basically, God enabled me to answer the question, “Why live?” It is embarrassing to admit that, since my heart transplant of November, 2003, I have struggled with the question, “Why live?” Surely I settled that issue years ago! But, even though my breathing began to improve considerably following the transplant, I experienced new difficulties from rejection and the medications to combat rejection. At times, when the pain, bodily weakness and other afflictions have been heavy upon me, I have asked myself the big question, “Why live?” I have a three fold answer which, to many of you, will seem quite simple. I know how it appears on paper: very plain and obvious. But, as some of you have discovered, I’m sure, the concepts that have radically altered and guided your life may not appear very profound to others. My threefold “key” is:
(a) Live now in the moment to honor God,
(b) Live now as an ongoing example to those whom I have influenced for good over the years,
(c) Live now to extend Christ’s reign over the earth.

I have had to accept the fact that my participation in (c) is very limited, and may one day be inseparable from (b). So I place my emphasis on (a) and (b), because all that I absolutely must do in those categories is just “be,” with the fruit of the Spirit growing through me (Galatians 5:22-23).

Now that I have sketched these ten factors that I believe have come together—through the hand of God—to change my level of health for the better, I want to ask a question: When we hear of “answers to prayer,” how much do these answers relate to circumstances and human effort? (By circumstances I am referring to visible, tangible factors in our lives.) I believe firmly that God has answered the prayers of many people for my improved health. While my condition is still a daily concern to Judy and me, the level of stabilization I have been given is such that I cannot call it mere “luck” or “coincidence.” Even though I invested significant effort in some of the factors outlined above, I still see the hand of God as the all-encompassing influence in my condition.

My answer, in brief, to the above question is: I don’t know for sure, but I believe it is biblically valid to say that the efforts of individuals and groups to change circumstances for the better are major factors in the way God “answers prayer” for those in need. A study of the life of the apostle Paul, for example, as well as other followers of Jesus in the book of Acts and elsewhere in the New Testament, reveals the inter-connection between prayer, human activity, circumstances, and the will (either directive will or permissive will) of God.

I feel somewhat awkward writing of my effort in the whole improvement process, because I see my overall change to be primarily the result of peoples’ prayers and God’s will. With embarrassment I admit that I have not wanted to live for much of the four years since the transplant. But over the past six months, with the above-mentioned changes in circumstances and thinking, and with new motivation from God, I have come to the point of willingness to live. I still struggle some days, such as today, December 29, 2007, because pain and other ailments work hard to take away my joy, but the Holy Spirit of God—the Comforter (John 14-16)—never fails to console me and renew my effort to live and serve.

May God give each of you reading this a special sense of God’s favor toward you (grace) in 2008 and the knowledge that he is always willing to answer prayers, orchestrate circumstances, and increase your hope and strength to motivate and enable you to do what you need to do.

Here is a New Year’s benediction from the great apostle Paul, and from me.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

Four Anniversaries

This is a special blog posting because it comes at a special time of the year for me—the commemoration of four anniversaries. Within a seven-day period this month I celebrated my physical birthday, my spiritual birthday, the fourth anniversary of my heart transplant, and Thanksgiving Day.

How should I rank these in order of importance? Well, if I had never been born, nothing else would matter to me, since there would be no “me.” I was born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, of an Italian mother and a Scottish-Irish-English-Welsh father. Like you, I had no choice in the matter.

I did have a choice in the second most important event—my spiritual birthday. I was nineteen years old, living just north of Philadelphia, when I came to God years ago on the basis of John 1:12 and John 3:3. (By “John” I am referring to the biblical book of “John”—the fourth gospel.) It was Thanksgiving Day, and while driving my car home from an appointment that morning, I prayed (with my eyes open) and cried out to God for forgiveness and mercy, and asked the Lord Jesus Christ to enter my life and give me a new heart—a spiritual transformation known in the Bible as the new birth.

I had been troubled by biblical texts that taught clearly the need for every person to trust Jesus Christ as Savior from the spiritual death and separation from God that are the natural condition of everyone born into this world. Even though I had been a religious person all my life, going to church every Sunday and even serving the church in other ways, I knew that I was not a child of God in the biblical sense of the term. I was not a true Christian. I had not had the spiritual transformation that Jesus spoke of as necessary for eternal life.

I had been spending a lot of time in the New Testament, especially the third chapter of John’s gospel. Here Jesus declared to Nicodemus, a member of the ruling religious council of Jesus’ day, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again” (v. 3). Nicodemus was surprised by these words, so Jesus explained to him that he was talking about a spiritual birth. First comes the physical birth, when, with the help of our mother’s amniotic fluid, we are born of water. Then, when we personally believe in and receive Jesus Christ as our Savior and Lord, we are born of the Spirit (v. 5, 16). We are, therefore, “born of water and the Spirit.” As Jesus said, “flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit” (vss. 5, 6). The whole third chapter of John and the book of Acts helped me greatly in coming to Christ. After eight months of studying the New Testament and agonizing over the decision I knew I had to make, God’s Holy Spirit pulled me into his eternal kingdom on that Thanksgiving Day.

Did I have a choice in the matter? On the one hand, it seems as though I did. Of course I did! It seems foolish to even question this point. But then we read these striking words concerning Jesus: “to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God” (John 1:12-13). This scripture passage teaches that we become children of God through receiving Christ, but then it seems to say that our human decision was not really a factor in the new birth. The apparent contradiction is just that—an apparent one. There is no true contradiction here. Our spiritual change, being born again, is totally accomplished by God, yet it happens through the consent of our will. He is the one who changes us. He re-creates us and brings us into his kingdom by a second birth. No one else can accomplish this transformation.

However, this miraculous work of God takes place when we yield our will to his will. When we do as John 1:12 says, namely, “receive” him and “believe in his name,” God then gives us a new heart and makes us a “new creation” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Yes, we have a choice in the matter of our eternal destiny. But the work of regeneration or re-creation itself is all of God (Titus 3:5-7). It is not by any works or effort of our own. The remarkable gift of salvation is just that—a gift of God’s grace (Ephesians 2:8-10). No matter how you have lived so far in life—as a “good” person, a “bad” person, or some of each—if you have not yet personally received Christ and his gift of salvation, you are what the Bible refers to as “lost.” I urge each of you reading this blog to make this decision now. It is the most important choice you will ever make, and the consequences of this choice, whichever way you decide, are eternal.

Another recent celebration—the fourth anniversary of my heart transplant—was also a decision of God, but also of mine. When I was encouraged in the spring of 2003 to pursue the heart transplant option once again (after having been on the list for almost two years previously and then off it for a time), I wanted God to guide me and direct the whole process. But I chose to allow the doctors to prepare me for the eventuality. Someone died in November of that year, about a week before Thanksgiving, and I was given the person’s heart. The thoracic surgeons removed my badly diseased heart and implanted a new one. Eight days later, I came home from the University of Minnesota hospital, adjusting each day to my new bodily condition and way of life.

I had a choice to allow my name to be on the transplant list, and to go through with the surgery if a heart became available. Before I made the choice, however, I struggled over the cost and risk of the operation, and the probability of complications and side effects from the whole procedure and the medications I would need to take the rest of my life. The doctors told me, “When you get a heart transplant, you trade one disease for another.” I have found that to be true. The past four years have not been easy, but I believe I made the right choice.

One year ago, because my new heart was doing poorly, I was encouraged to get on the list again, to receive another transplant. I believed then, and I believe now, that I should not get on the list again. I know that the doctors do not expect my heart to last much longer, but I am leaving the whole situation in God’s hands. I have no criticism for those who would choose to receive a second heart transplant, but it does not seem to be God’s path for me. I simply do not have the peace in my heart that I should pursue that option.

The final event I celebrated during the recent seven-day span was Thanksgiving Day. In the United States this took place on November 22. Wherever you live, and whether and when your country has a special day to give thanks, I trust that you choose to be grateful. The act of expressing gratitude is life-giving and life-renewing, and I have learned, by experience, the remarkable truth of Philippians 4:6, 7: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Thank you, blog friends, for reading this to the end. Please feel free to post your thoughts, and to interact with one another about the issues raised. Some of you have much to contribute to the readership, or to ask of others, and I encourage you to do so. Let us all choose to thank God for life and daily provision, and for the deep peace of mind he gives to those who receive him as Savior and Lord. May God be near to you until our next message time. God bless you always!

Thinking about Death

How does a person feel waking every morning, knowing that the end of life may come that day? In a sense, every person wakes in this condition, at least subconsciously. Any of us may die on any given day, and one day we will. But my particular health condition leaves me more open to this event happening sooner rather than later. So it is on my mind quite often.

October 5 marked six months for me in hospice care. When I was enrolled, my doctors did not expect me to live past six months. But October 5 has come and gone, and I’m still here. I wish to write and give praise to God for life, and reveal some of my thoughts and feelings about living past the hospice date.

First, I want to thank God for continuing to give me the physical stamina, psychological health and spiritual vitality to keep going. I had my heart transplant in November, 2003, and am approaching my fourth anniversary. But my body has been trying to reject the new heart all this time, and seems to be making significant progress recently. That’s why I received such a dismal prognosis in April.

The average length of stay under hospice care is ten days. Most people sign up so close to their time of death (not that they know their death will come that soon) either because they didn’t become aware of hospice until their condition was severe, or because they knew of it but considered it as equivalent to “giving up.” At any rate, ten days compared to over six months is significant, and I am grateful for God’s care.

When I speak of God’s continuing care I am not suggesting that those who live only a short time after learning they have a terminal condition are not cared for by God, but simply that I am thankful to have life. God obviously has a purpose for my earthly existence since his word says that he works all things together for good to those who love him. God’s ways are mysterious, yet I am happy to soak up the sense of his presence daily. Intimacy with God has become more real to me than anything in the “real” world.

This leads to my second reason for writing—to express some thoughts about my thoughts during these recent weeks. This is an area of life that is somewhat difficult to write about and speak about—not because I desire to keep the subject matter private (I’m fine with talking about it), but simply because I struggle to find the right words to express these somewhat mystical concepts. My wife, Judy, knows more about my thoughts in these matters than anyone except God himself. I walk around the house speaking freely to Judy, and communicating continually with the Lord (although not orally, because it depletes what physical strength I have). So, Judy and God are my constant conversation partners.

I ask myself, most of all, “When will I die?” I don’t think I really want to know, but this still seems to be my most frequent question. On some days, with my weakness and light-headedness, I feel that I may very well die that day. On other days I have a base-level of stability that suggests to me that I may live for some time yet—perhaps several months or even a year. Judy and several friends are praying for wholeness for me, and believe that God is not intending to call me home soon.

The second most frequent question that comes to me is, “How will I die?” A few months ago I started a file folder titled “Dying Process.” In it I have several items: a booklet on “Death and Living,” which “describes what takes place around us and inside us at the death of a loved one.” It seems to be aimed at the survivors, not the one dying. I have an e-mail from a relative describing some details of a friend’s dying. I have a confidential article by a man who directed a hospice facility for nine years, focusing on the mental anguish of the residents due to their war-time experiences. I have a scrap of paper on which I made a note concerning a friend’s wife who died a year ago, on which I list the three main drugs the woman was taking at the end of her life (I am now taking two of these drugs daily).

I have an article, “Picture Christ,” by Dennis Ngien, giving “Martin Luther’s advice on preparing to die” (Christianity Today, April 2007, pp. 67-69). Luther speaks of how the devil fills us with the dread of death and cultivates in us a love and concern for life. Luther’s advice for this situation is to contemplate death all the more, but to do so at the right time, which is not the time of death. Instead, says Luther, we should “invite death into our presence when it is still at a distance and not on the move”—that is, in our daily lives long before death threatens us. Conversely, says Ngien, “Luther counsels Christians to banish thoughts of death at the final hour and to use that time to meditate on life” (p. 68). As far as I know, I’m neither at the final hour nor “long before death” threatens me. I’m not sure I’d know how to “banish thoughts of death” anyway, even if I tried.

Concerning this second question, “How will I die?”, I saw the doctor’s report on this one: It will most likely be a major heart attack, either preceded by or followed by a series of lesser attacks. I read just the other day of a man visiting one of his children in India. He was walking two of his grandchildren to school when he suddenly dropped dead of a (likely) massive heart attack. I think of this kind of thing happening to me. Will I be walking, lying down, talking to someone? I don’t fear such an attack, if it would be sudden and final, but I, like others, dislike the thought of difficult times of suffering after the event.

Concerning the moment of death itself, I do not dread it, but welcome it. I long for the day of meeting with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and have no fear, even though God Almighty—Father, Son and Spirit—is infinitely holy and righteous. My inner peace and comfort is based on the forgiveness I received at the foot of the cross when I was nineteen years old. I lived in fear of death before that time, and was almost certain I would go to hell when I died. That’s how I understood God and sin, but I now rejoice very often at God’s gift of salvation through the Son.

I have many other questions to add to these two, but I need to wait for another time to consider them.

I want to send you a glorious benediction from the apostle Paul that may apply to someone in your youth, or in the prime of life, in your later years, or during your dying days. I have been studying the benedictions of scripture much these days, and I receive each one as both a pronouncement of God’s blessing on me, and a prayer or heartfelt wish for me, from God. I offer these verses to you from 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17, with this twofold intention in mind.

“Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and through grace gave us eternal comfort and good hope, comfort your hearts and strengthen them in every good work and word.”

Back to Life

My new glasses work well. Thank you for encouraging me to get them!

September 20, 2007

Dear Blog Friends,

It has been a while since I have written, so I want to jot down a few thoughts to you. Many of you “blog friends” I know personally, while others I’ve never met. But in every case I am thankful for your interest in either the benedictions of Scripture, being a benediction through your life, my life and ministry, or the monumental issues of God and theology in some other respect.

I had a rough time for about a week recently (Sept. 12-19), and I am very, very grateful to be back in the land of the living. I’m not sure all that was going on, but some symptoms/conditions I had were shingles, fever, vomiting, breathing problems (more than usual), dehydration, night-sweats, urinary tract infection, uncontrolled shaking, slurred speech, inability to finish sentences, dizziness, staggering like a drunk, and falling several times (once flat on my face). A doctor prescribed the wrong kind of medicine, and a very high dose of it at that, so the toxicity in my body became severe. For two days I wasn’t able to swallow my immuno-suppressant medications, even though they were supposedly keeping me alive. Some of you were praying, and Judy and I feel sure that your prayers were what pulled us through. I actually felt that the end was approaching for me (which the hospice had told us could be the case) unless God turned things around.

I am humbled and excited to be back at my desk, and to be able to continue working on Praying by the Spirit: Cries from the Heart in the Midst of Life. The book will be about 200 pages, with 100 pages in English and 100 pages of the same material translated into Tagalog (the main language of the Philippines). The orientation will be similar to my book Serving by the Spirit: Spiritual Gifts and Spiritual Preaching written at a lay level but deep (I trust) in the biblical and theological foundations. The target audience is the Majority World (the billions of people not of North American/Western European background).

A good friend of ours, Jane Spriggs, is collaborating with me on the book. Jane is a 2007 Master of Divinity graduate of Bethel Seminary, and is a very capable and spiritually-minded servant of God. Because my health is so poor I literally could not be working on the project with any degree of excellence without Jane’s assistance. I am very thankful to God for her help. Working on the book has given me new vigor and a new sense of purpose. I trust that God will help us to complete the book, and that it will be used mightily as a benediction to others.

Thank you for your postings on this blog. I read and value every one even though I am seldom able to answer them.

I close by sending you a benediction from the blessed Word of God, written by Jude, the brother of Jesus:

“Now to him who is able to keep you from falling, and to make you stand without blemish in the presence of his glory with rejoicing, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, power, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.” (Jude 24, 25)

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Note Concerning Blog Subscription

Some of you may be reading my articles in a format other than the blog. (For example, a friend may have handed you my recent piece on needing glasses.) If you are, and you wish to subscribe to my blog, you may do so at http://bobrakestraw.blogspot.com. It's free. There is a way to register so that you will be notified by e-mail every time I post a new article. You won't need to keep checking the blog to see if I've updated it. In addition to registration information, you will find archives containing past articles of mine about my medical condition and thoughts pertaining to it. You will also find comments from other bloggers and occasional remarks I've made in reply.

Should I Buy New Glasses?

I have a problem: I need new glasses. My present trifocals are not only worn out, with the scratches and smudges that come with use, but my vision has worsened.

Ordinarily a person would have the necessary testing and get new glasses. But in my case, I’m reluctant to bother. The testing with the ophthalmologist will be quite extensive and then I will need new lenses and frames.

I am hesitant to move forward. As many of you reading this know, I am not expected to live much longer—probably not more than two months according to the doctors. I have a disease known as cardiac transplant vasculopathy, and my coronary arteries are gradually closing. There is no cure. I am becoming weaker as the days pass.

You can see my dilemma. Why bother?

I have decided to go ahead with the testing next week, however, for three reasons. One, no one but God knows for sure how long I will live. I just don’t feel as though I’ll be gone from this earth by October 5th. Two, sight is such an important sense for me, as it is for us all, that even if my remaining time on earth is brief, my quality of life will be enhanced greatly by good vision. Three, I feel as though my ministry is not yet complete, and I need better eyesight to do the things awaiting me. While I have no grandiose thoughts of future ministry accomplishments, I do hope to serve God in further ways through The Benediction Project with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength until he calls me home. Good eyesight will be a major asset.

Since I signed into hospice care on April 5, I have benefited considerably from the service. The emphasis on palliative care (seeking relief from pain and discomfort rather than a cure) and the other guidelines are well thought-out, and, while not specifically Christian-oriented, are compatible with the views of biblically-grounded Christians. I have found the nurses and other specialists who visit my home to be knowledgeable, practical, and compassionate. They are respectful of the beliefs and wishes of Judy and me, and are easy to work with.

Thank you for reading this blog. You are becoming an important constituency in my life even though there are many of you I have never met. Feel free to respond to my essays or interact with another blogger. And thank you, once more, for your many prayers and expressions of concern. Your prayers are having a significant effect on my morale, and thus on my overall well-being.

Judy and I recently observed our 40th wedding anniversary. There were times over the past year that I wondered if I’d be alive on July 22nd to celebrate the day. God was pleased, however, to grant us our wish. We are finding that, even in the midst of suffering and uncertainty, our life together becomes sweeter as we cling to God and each other in Christian hope. Here is our benediction for you this month:

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13).

Happy 40th Wedding Anniversary

 

Thanks to all of you who sent your best wishes and to those who came to celebrate this special day with Bob and Judy.

Introducing the blog manager

Perhaps I should introduce myself, after writing that last post. I am the blog manager of this site. Feel free to contact me directly once I install that feature. My handle is espiritu paz and my name is Abigail. I have worked with Bob for quite some years as the faculty administrative assistant, at Bethel Seminary. I first bonded with Bob on Mennonite and pacifism themes during a time when he was sort of my boss, while I was his student. I did an independent study with him and he had me do some presentations on pacifism in his ethics courses. Over the years, Bob and Judy have sort of adopted me and I have adopted them in return, as it has become a mutually edifying relationship. I’ve stayed on as Bob’s ad hoc assistant, even though he has retired from teaching, making it possible for him to continue to have a platform from which he can be creative. This blog is one of those venues. So I will occasionally post on this blog in contribution toward and along-side the works and interests of Bob. I do have my own blog at http://modern-parables.blogspot.com/

benedictions and squirrely conversations

There are a number of things that are very particular about hanging out with Bob and Judy. One thing they like to do is go to buffets: Chinese buffet, Old Country Buffet, anywhere where you don’t have to feel obligated to do that shady tipping thing. The other thing they like to do is simple meals at home. So, when I was summoned for computer items/my birthday meal, I picked the simple meal at home, with pita and veggies.

Of course there must mention be made of Prairie Bible College where Bob and Judy met and its emphasis on missions and the particulars of obscure communal rule. This time, particular table etiquette was delineated. One must sit upright in their chair at all times pivoting from the hips as one leaned forward to eat soup as one tipped the bowl away from one’s self, taking care never to slurp. Hungry farm boys had to be re-cultured from their habits of slouching into their plates and wolfing down their food. For this was a school of missions and according to the history of missions one often ends up dining with the heads of state in various foreign countries. Grace and proper etiquette are required in these situations.

After a thorough lecture on how one obtains a doctorate and goes about finding a doctoral mentor, Judy turns to me and asks, “So now you’re prepared to go get your doctorate, as this was the unabridged version.” It was becoming apparent that someone had put a quarter in Bob again. I hadn’t seen this side of Bob emerge for quite a while. “It’s the drugs! It’s the drugs,” Bob exclaims as he motions toward the large shoe box of medication and vitamins that are ever present on the dining room table, as he launches into a demonstration of how one then presents his/her obscure and irrelevant thesis in such a way as to remain credible with much academic pomp. “You see,” he adjusts his imaginary coke-bottle glasses, “string theory is related to the configuration of atoms that are discombobulated within space-time and translated into the dimension of squirrel. This is proven by the experiment performed in the atom smashers. Hey, did you know that Minnesota has the greatest amount of atom smashing tracts anywhere. There’s one atom accelerating channel that runs from Chicago to Duluth. But the squirrels have taken control of it and influence the outcomes of all experiments performed in it. This is what is meant by the dimension of squirrel. Yet only a select number of scientists know and understand the dimension of squirrel. And one can know by looking deep into/behind the eyes of a single squirrel, who is your average bounding around outside on a tree, squirrel.

Judy offers us another piece of corn on the cob, and frets at the long piece of silk hanging from the ear. “No thank you,” Bob counters, “I’m not into eating string theory, currently.” And he continues as before.

Yet things eventually turn earnest as Bob’s quarter runs out and I’m about to head out the door. Computer stuff was very nearly forgotten as we hurriedly try to address the list of items I am to address with the blog and such. But Bob and Judy are praying people and they insist on giving me a birthday blessing before I head out the door. They ask for God to give me the best year of my life, closing in a benediction, “Now to him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before the only wise God our Savior...”

That he give you wisdom in squirrel theory.

Perhaps Mr. Bag Man will emerge one of these days.

Three Months into Hospice Care

Since I last posted on this blog (May 22) I have been experiencing further turbulence with my physical health, and thus with my whole being. Some readers have been asking how I am doing, so I offer this update, always grateful for your gracious thoughts and prayers.

As some of you know, I had a heart transplant in November of 2003, and my journey has been a bit rough since then. While I am filled with gratitude for the extension of life I have received, and for the peace and purpose of God I receive daily, I also struggle daily with frustration and an unwholesome attitude of resignation to circumstances instead of restfulness in God. Because I can’t do all that I would like to do, I allow myself to be hindered from what I may be able to do.

My most serious physical problem since the transplant has been rejection: the immune system trying to get rid of the new heart. Because of several episodes of rejection which put me in the hospital, and because of several other post-transplant complications, I had to go on disability and needed to retire early from teaching theology and ethics at Bethel Seminary in the spring of 2005.

My immune system has not retired however, and has finally identified the specific characteristics and vulnerabilities of the invader (the new heart) and is now working to shut it down. In early April I was told that I quite likely have six months or less to live, because of “Transplant Vasculopathy”—the condition in the arteries that nourish my heart. After becoming inflamed the arteries have been swelling shut steadily. Nothing can be done to stop this obstruction, medically speaking, except another heart transplant, which I have declined.

Therefore, for three months I have been in hospice care, living at home with Judy, my wife, and being visited regularly by nurses and other hospice personnel. I have expressed my wishes to die at home, if at all possible, and to avoid the more common hospital experience of death. The hospice philosophy favors a more natural death, without major technological attachments. I use oxygen daily, as well as numerous medications, but am relatively free to move about both within and outside of the house for short periods of time. Every day is somewhat unpredictable, so I seldom schedule activities. The experiences of weakness and nausea, and at times, total exhaustion, are my greatest daily hindrances.

I am continuing, as God’s strong arm enables and my weak body responds, to work on several projects for the furthering of Christ’s kingdom. I am continuing my attempts at writing and publishing for the developing nations (the “majority world”) and I am hoping to do more with this blog. By God’s grace I will remain faithful to the ministry he has given me, until God calls me home. I appreciate the thoughts and prayers of you who lift me up often and support God’s work through “The Benediction Project” (the name not only of this blog but also of my total life ministry until death).

May I give a major prayer request in this regard: Pray that I will know when God is nudging me to ease off from ministry tasks and when God is nudging me to press forward in the areas just mentioned. Sometimes I want to “pack my bags,” as it were, and just sleep the days away (I sleep more and more hours each day) and yet deep down I want to do much good, especially through writing. I have talked with the hospice personnel about the dying process, and I find these discussions profitable. I felt quite validated recently through one such talk, but the plain truth is that only God knows how and when each of us will be taken home. Sometimes I think I am close to that time, so I reason “why bother with any further ministry?” At other times I think I may have months (or years?) to live, and so I become eager to work. As you know, expectations are tricky things. They can pull you up or push you down, depending on past circumstances. Here is where I need prayer.

Please join me in praying: “Oh God, help me and everyone entering into this prayer, to know when and where and how you desire us to serve you. Show us the people most in need that you are asking us to reach. Keep us from pushing ourselves when you are not leading, and keep us from indifference, laziness and clever rationalizations when you are showing us your direction.”

Since I cannot speak to you or touch you physically, may I close with a rich benediction from the Word of God (you may wish to put your hand on top of your head, or ask someone else to do this for you, to symbolize the mighty and gentle hand of God on you):

“May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. (Hebrews 13:20-21)

One of the most beneficial kinds of benediction is one-on-one conversation, especially when the focus is on the Word of God and the Ways of God in our everyday lives - past and present. As some of you know, I am living at home under hospice care. I may have a few months to live, of perhaps a year or two.

Today, at my bedside, I received a benediction from a dear friend from the 1970's. He and I spoke of many matters and then prayed together as he knelt by my bed. I know I was "blessed" and I trust that my theologian friend, Alan Padgett, was as well.

I desire to not only say, write, pray and think benediction to others, but to be a benediction incarnate. I long for my very presence/body/self to be a rich blessing/benediction to the other - whether this is someone kneeling next to my bed or someone I fuel my car next to at the gas station.

bless

From the earlier English bledsian and blod (blood), referring to the rite of consecration by sprinkling an altar with blood. Some chief definitions of the English verb "bless": (1) to make or declare holy by a spoken formula or a sign; hallow; consecrate; (2) to ask divine favor for; (3) to favor or endow with; (4) to make happy or prosperous; gladden; (5) to praise or glorify.

benediction

From the Latin bene (well) and dicere (to speak). The Latin verb benedicere means "to bless." Some chief definitions of the English noun "benediction": (1) a blessing; (2) an invocation (calling down) of divine blessing, especially at the end of a religious service; (3) blessedness.